The 65th Birthday

Today would have been Mom's 65th birthday. Exactly a month from today is my 40th. She spent her last birthday in the hospital, recovering from severe dehydration. But her other, misdiagnosed illness was taking over, and she never got better. Her last decent week was the end of May. The next 2 1/2 months were a living nightmare, scarring and traumatic for me, every day, until her preventable and premature death. I took the day off work today because I didn't really want to be around anybody. Very, very few people can understand devastating loss and profound grief, especially when you are devoted to your mother and absolute best friend for almost your entire 39 years of life, and she was to me. Mom always got me lovely cards for my bday and I would do the same for her, and we kept all of the cards we gave each other over the years. I still bought her a card this year. I probably always will. I think about her every waking hour.

Gotta Start Somewhere

Well, hello. I guess it's time for a brief introduction. My name is Ryan, I'm 39 years old, and I live in central Florida. My beloved mother and absolute best friend, Carol, died on August 16th, 2019, at just 64 years old and after a brief illness. I'm an only child and my father and I have never had a real relationship, so it was just Mom and me for almost my entire life. She was my rock, my cheerleader, my confidant, my soulmate, of sorts, my kindred spirit. She was also my next door neighbor for over ten years, so I saw or talked to her every single day of my life then.

I've blogged about other issues and topics before under a different moniker, so I decided to dedicate a blog to the untimely and devastating loss of my mother, something that--over nine months later--is still fresh on my mind and heart, and something I think about literally every waking hour of my life. I will write about her illness, her death, my grief and my memories. I've had absolutely nobody to talk to about my pain and unfathomable heartbreak as I have no real, supportive family, my friends simply can't understand and relate, and I have no insurance, so I haven't been able to undergo grief counseling that I badly need. So, I'll write.

I have so many blogs I want to write, so many things I want to share, in hopes that others can relate and understand, and hopefully they can get some help for their grief as well through my stories. So many things to say! It may take a while for me to sort my thoughts out, but I'm finally working on it after nine full months of being too sad to sit down and write. I hope you'll pull up a chair and sit a spell.